You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Pants are for mortals
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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