How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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