just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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