Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
