I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And then the night went full on bisexual.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
