what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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