I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You dont lie about slip and slides
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
