remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
