batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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