my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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