Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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