i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
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