im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
