This is the prime rib incident all over again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
