I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
