yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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