Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
