There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
