I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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