No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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