guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
