Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
