you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
