I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
