I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
