This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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