She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
