If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
