apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
