broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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