Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
