my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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