I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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