dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
