I'm lost and stupid without you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid