She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
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It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.