I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
