Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
