Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
