my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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