when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
