i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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