I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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