im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
