I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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