im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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