How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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