Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
