I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
