apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
sex in a hospital.. check
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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