last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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