my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
