morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
