shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
