woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.