come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.