I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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